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A More Hopeful Outcome For A Family Member’s Hoarding


Denise Lee • Feb 18, 2021
Fighting Impalas — St. Louis, MO — Clear Spaces

“Look at this mess! Mom, how can you live this way?” The daughter was clearly upset, but her comments only upset her mom. “Be nice. You don’t have the right to talk to me that way. How I live is my business.”


Perhaps you’ve experienced a similar interchange. The daughter was concerned about her mom’s safety and health, and she had hoped that expressing her concern would inspire her mom to take some positive action to diminish the clutter. But the manner in which the daughter expressed her concern resulted in the antithesis of what she wanted: her mom dug her heels in further in order to safeguard her autonomy. Sadly, both persons walked away feeling awful and with their relationship hurt.


Both the mom and the daughter started out with good intentions. But when confronting an emotional situation, the thinking part of the brain can shut down and leave us with just reacting emotionally with little regard with how our words with land with the other person. When we react emotionally we do not make wise choices. Step one is to calm down that reactive brain: take a deep breath. Seriously, focus on breathing in through your nose and down to your toes. Then focus on letting that breath out slowly and very thoroughly through your mouth. Exhaling like this will activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which will help you relax and regain control.


Once you are calmer, let go of anger and blame, they will not help you. Let go of any expectations for how the discussion will go so you can truly have an open conversation. Tompkins and Hartl* provide a model for how to discuss a loved one’s cluttered situation in a more positive and open manner. It is an approach that shifts the focus away from the stuff and puts it on the relationship. The model can be summarized by the acronym LEAP: Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner.


Listening involves not just hearing the other person’s words, but actively trying to understand what is behind those words. Ask questions to help you understand further (clarifying), paraphrase what you think you heard, and give non-judgmental and honest feedback regarding your own thoughts and feelings in a caring and supportive way.


Empathizing means understanding how someone feels from within their frame of reference. Ask open-ended questions that invite conversation. As long as there is conversation, there is the possibility for understanding. Summarize what you think you’ve heard and offer a guess into how your loved one is feeling based on what you are hearing. Offer thanks and praise for talking with you. Positive feedback is supportive and encouraging. 


Accept how your family member sees things. Arguing, debating, and “shoulding” (as in “you should do…”) will lead to conflict and further hurt. Acceptance does not mean condoning. Acceptance is the honest acknowledgement of the situation. You may – and probably will – disagree on some things and that’s OK. Find areas that you agree on. Common ground is where skillful negotiators start when looking for a way to reach a common goal.


Ask to partner with your family member to achieve the goal. Partnering, as opposed to directing, honors the autonomy of the family member and is an act of respect. Both you and your family member will need to reach an agreement in how you will work together and what to do when there are disagreements.


Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner are valuable tools for helping a family member who has a lot of clutter. However, LEAP is not a magic wand. It will take time to reach an understanding and to reach a goal. There will be missteps. Persevere with care so your family member can live safely and you can have that peace of mind.


*Michael A. Tompkins, Ph.D and Tamara L. Hartl, Ph.D are the authors of the book Digging Out, Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding and Compulsive Acquiring (2009)

By Denise Lee 10 Jun, 2019
Photo by Piron Guillaume on Unsplash
By Denise Lee 22 May, 2019
Truth be told, I’m a bit of a weather fanatic. When the weather turns ugly, I can often be found checking weather apps and watching the local weather reports. Part of my keen interest is due to scientific curiosity. The other part is due to a healthy concern for safety. As interesting as weather is, it can be very dangerous. When I meet with clients during the spring I ask them how they intend to keep themselves safe during bad weather. Spring is tornado season in the Midwest, and it’s not a question of “if” a bad storm comes, It’s a question of “when.” There are several things we check for in preparing for storms. There is an uncluttered place in the basement or on the first floor to shelter. You want a space that does not have windows. If you are sheltering in the basement, make sure there is nothing heavy on the floor above you. You do not want a piano to land on you. If you are sheltering on the first floor, make sure there are as many walls as possible between you and the outside – for instance, a closet in the middle of the first floor. You can get to the designated shelter easily. The path to the shelter should be uncluttered. If you are recovering from clutter, you may want to consider putting painters’ tape on the floor to mark a 3-foot path to the shelter. Remove all clutter from that path and keep that path clear. If your shelter is in the basement, make sure the stairs are clear. When moving quickly to escape a storm, you may not be as sure-footed as you normally are. Items on the stairs can become especially dangerous under those circumstances. If using the stairs is difficult for you, consider creating a shelter on the first floor. You may not have time to use the stairs. Protect yourself from airborne debris, which is the cause of most injuries from a tornado. Have pillows, blankets, or sleeping bags at hand in the shelter. Wrapping yourself up can help protect you from flying debris. I have heard of people putting a mattress over themselves, but most of my clients cannot maneuver a mattress off the bed and carry it to the shelter. Do the best you can with what you have. You should absolutely wear shoes. If there isn’t time to put them on before you go to the shelter, grab them on your way. A bike helmet could be a handy thing to have. Have a first-aid kit too in case someone does get hurt. Count on the power going out. You will need flashlights and battery-operated lanterns. It’s not unusual for power to go out before you need to move to the shelter, so it’s a good idea to have a flashlight in every room. Avoid candles and lanterns that use a flame. If a gas leak results from the storm, a spark can cause an explosion. Have a battery-operated weather-band radio in the shelter so you can get updates. A backup battery for your phone is nice to have too. Some radios have a power bank built in for your electronics, like this one: http://tinyurl.com/y4c8ryc9 . If you live with someone who is deaf, you may want to invest in a weather radio with strobe light notification, like this one: http://tinyurl.com/y3rk6er8 . Keep your pets under control. You may want to put your small pets in a carrier and larger pets on a leash. When pets are scared – and storms are pretty scary – do not count on them to be their normally well-behaved selves. Keep informed. Keep your radio on and check the news apps on your phone. Tornados aren’t the only destructive storms. High winds can uproot trees and bring them down on powerlines, houses and cars. Hail can wreak incredible damage too. Be prepared. Set up your storm shelter now. Declutter your path now. A few minutes of work can make the difference in how you are affected by a storm.
By Denise Lee 11 May, 2019
Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash
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